ChurchThis morning as I walked my dog I passed the little Baptist church I attended and served the first 18 months after I was born-again. My mind reflected on the many good things that happened in my life during that time. It was there I met my first mentor who taught me how to be a believer without being religious. It was there my first pastor taught me to do research in the original languages of the Bible.

Yes, there were some bad experiences with religious people. They didn’t like all the hippies I brought to church after leading them to Jesus. The pastor just about lost his mind the first time I took someone through deliverance. Everyone was up in arms when I baptized converts in swimming pools instead of bringing them for the pastor to baptize at church. And then there was the real deal breaker: the gifts of the Holy Spirit. But none of the negative experiences outweigh the good seed planted in my life. The things I learned and ministry wherein I was involved has been beneficial my entire journey with God.

Today it seems so many are anti-church. While I’m first to admit (and sometimes point out) the destructive tendencies of organized religion, I still think the church is not only valuable but biblical. When I was first saved, all of us hippies started house meetings. They all thought church was “lame and formal” and they didn’t want to get involved in organized religion.  When I stood up in a house meeting as a new believer and said, “I need to learn from those who have been walking with God; church is in the Bible and I intend to go to church,” they criticized me to scorn. But today there are only two of us from that early grassroots movement still walking with God. We both went to church.

Of course there are many abuses that happen in churches. When abuse happens it’s always the result of both the leadership and the member. Power-hungry, ego-driven pastors have done their share of using and hurting people.  But we must remember, for a person to be used or abused they must cooperate. A person who remains in an abusive situation is getting what is called “secondary gain.” There’s something they’re getting out of the situation: approval, position, power, acceptance, or any number of needs that can only be met in Jesus.

Ironically, even when a leader has no agenda a person with a crooked heart can still get hurt. Why? They tend to look to church and leaders for something that only Jesus can do. Many of the people who tell me they were hurt by churches are people who would have been hurt in any job, fraternity, social organization or relationship. Their tendency toward codependency will always get them hurt; and typical for the codependent person there’s a tendency to feel like the victim. So this person is always going to get hurt and will always blame everyone else!

 I’ve noticed too, that those who don’t participate in church don’t win the lost, very rarely actually minister to people, tend to not be generous and they’re doing nothing to fulfill the Commission Jesus left us: reach and disciple the world. While they may be accurately recognizing and pointing out flaws in others, their own problems are greater than those they point out and criticize. This kind of gets into that “remove the plank from your own eye then you can see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5).

Lastly, I’ve noticed that people in abusive churches tend to stay there for all the wrong reasons. “I hate going to church where I go, but my kids love children’s church.” One thing you can be sure of is these kids will grow up and hate church, as well. “I would leave but that’s where all my friends are.” So, as your mother asked when you were young, “If all your friends jump off the cliff are you going to follow them?” But here is the real screamer! “I’m not growing; in fact, I feel worse when I leave, but God is leading me to stay where I am.” So you’re saying that God violates His Word in your case? God says, Cease to hear instruction that causes you to err from the knowledge of the truth. (Proverbs 19:27, KJV). God is NEVER going to lead you to stay in an environment that hurts your relationship with Him!

Finding a church isn’t that hard. Don’t look for one that’s perfect. If you find a perfect church, you won’t be qualified to attend. Don’t expect to agree on every point of doctrine.  Find a church that promotes the love of God and the Word of God and offers practical application.  Don’t dive in and commit yourself, take you time to build a relationship. I also recommend a church that’s reaching the local community and the world with the Gospel. Churches that aren’t reaching out are not only ignoring our Commission, they have a tendency to overemphasize the gifts, teaching, or some other biblical reality as a substitute for obedience to the call of our Savior.

Remember, many of the needs you may be expecting “the church” to meet are probably social needs that should be met in your personal life and relationships. It seems the Charismatic Movement gave rise to the idea that the church existed to meet the needs of the member. While that is a half-truth, it’s become incredibly perverted. Churches are often so busy trying to satisfy the social needs of the congregation they can’t really do what God called them to do. It seems a great number of people in church are attending where their social needs are met with little consideration for becoming a disciple of Jesus, growing in the experiential knowledge of God and reaching the world! We have become takers instead of givers. We want to be served without serving!

 In Ephesians 4:11-12ff we are told that it’s the job of the ministry to equip the saints for the work of the ministry and for the edifying of the body of Christ… That word “equip” has a dual meaning: “make whole” and “equip to serve.”  I’ve discovered those who only take never actually grow in grace or in the experiential knowledge of God. They never find wholeness. They simply hoard information and usually become more critical. So a couple of my criteria in selecting a church is whether or not they will teach me the Word in a way that helps me become more whole as a person, and will they give me opportunities to serve? Much of the wholeness people expect to receive from simply attending a church and being served is only discovered as we take what we learn and begin to serve others. When you leave church you want to feel better about yourself and God. You want to be built up and you want to help others seeking to make this incredible journey.

Last, and by no means least, never let church become a substitute for your own personal relationship with God. God’s words are the words of life. It’s in His Word that we renew our mind, bringing our thoughts in harmony with what has been written on our heart and in harmony with what the Holy Spirit is saying. In prayer we develop an intimacy and an ability to hear His voice. It’s here that faith and grace merge to become a life force that empowers us to live in our true identity in Christ Jesus!

Attending church is incredible as long as you keep the relationship healthy and never expect any person or organization to give you what God alone can give, and you go to pursue God’s agenda, not your own! If you desire to know more about how to have a healthy relationship with a church you may want to check out my book: My Church, My Family. It’s a quick read filled with practical application.

My Church, My Family

My-Church-My-FamilyJesus came to bring us into the family of God. More than anything else, we are God’s children. Children thrive in loving, family relationships. In a family there is teaching adoption (evangelism), and many more aspects of family life, but more than anything else, there is relationship. There is love, trust, friendship, growing together, working together, and playing together.

The church is here to meet the greatest, emotional need in a person’s life: relationship. Because our paradigm has been wrong, the leaders have not offered a family, and the members have not sought to build a family. That is why there are millions of people worldwide who are hurt and disillusioned with the church. People are leaving by the thousands each year.

The answer is not to reject the church; the answer is to transform it. We, as members, need to reject unscriptural paradigms about the church and God. We need to put our efforts into the things that the Bible clearly prioritizes. We should lovingly refuse to allow leaders to turn us into an army. We are a family and it is time we begin to live like a family.

My Church, My Family ($8.99 eBook only)

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