Personal Questions

Q
Is it easy and/or a cause to form a "non-emotional" wall when we don't attach significance to other people's actions?  I think this will fall in the realm of wisdom, I'm sure, and this can be a fine line.

A
       It seems that you have possibly confused abstaining from judgment with emotional insulation. There is no similarity between the two. Emotional insulation is a form of denial. It is a refusal to deal with reality. And usually, the person who attempts emotional isolation has still passed judgments.
       The person who abstains from judgment feels emotions; they are, however, emotions that are based on reality, character and love. They are not emotions that swell from false judgments and vain imaginations.
       One will actually find that it is safe to be emotional and passionate about relationships and life events when they are not at the mercy of vain imaginations. In other words, when you are free from judgment, you will have emotions you can trust.

Q
Will God tell me to marry someone I don't want to marry?
       I was helping my pastor do some work and he took me aside and told me that God wanted me to marry his sister and be a father to her son. I don’t really know her and to be honest she is ugly to my heart and I can’t stand the thought of being married to her (ugly having nothing to do with the way she looks). I once heard her say, “I know God has a man for me” to another church member, while just the 3 of us were sitting in a part of the church.  It made me feel sick to hear, like that man was just a piece of meat for her codependent personality type (I don’t mean to be judgmental and I don’t say that in a mean spirit). Well at the first moment I got away from the pastor I asked God if he wanted me to marry her and I heard YES! Well I've been so grieved in my heart at the thought to the point at times I wish I were dead.
       Part of the reason that I asked God and waited for a voice (which was immediate) is that I heard a teaching and was following it that goes like this: You pray in the spirit (tongues) and the first thing you hear in your mind is God talking to you. Well I've heard a lot of things and none that have came true.  For example a few years ago I didn’t have a vehicle and while walking down the street thinking what kind of vehicle I would save to buy I heard 2 years.  That’s it, just 2 years. And I was also hearing God would provide and give and it would be given to you. So, for 2 years I gave every time I thought God was telling me to.  I worked all the overtime at work (sometimes over a month straight and lot of 16 hour days) to pay debts and save to visit my family. But instead of using the money for such, I heard give and it would be given to me. So who ever came to mind (lead of the spirit, although I could never get a confirmation from God) I would anonymously give them money, sometimes up to 1000 dollars at a pop.
       Well at the end of 2 years no vehicle suddenly appeared.  I gave thousands of dollars under compulsion and I was totally confused and in lots of debt.  I have not been to church for a year and a half (and I suffer for it) and I’m waiting for God to do something to clear up my confusion. (Not really a wise choice) At times I feel like God isn’t telling me to marry her and at other times I struggle with the thought. I feel like confronting them (she told the pastor that God told her I was to be her husband and he confirmed it to her and me) according to Ezekiel 13 and 14 where it says that a person’s idol of their heart would speak to them and more.
       Well I’m sorry for running on about this but could you please give me some scripture that might guide me in the truth about this matter? Corinthians 7:37, says that a man should marry his virgin because he wants to and not under compulsion?  Or am I twisting this scripture to fit my own cause? Any help or counsel you could give would be much appreciated, thank you.

A
       I thank God that you had the wisdom and courage to break away from the type of manipulation. So many people have ruined their life by following so-called “prophecy.”  It seems that you have been the victim of some incredibly unscriptural teaching.
       I have a value for prophecy. The Bible teaches us to “despise not prophecy” yet; I do despise the way prophecy is used to control people.
      I have been in the ministry for 30 years.  I have never personally known one couple who got married because "God told them" that stayed married. I regularly counsel people who hate each other, but got married because "God said." There is no scriptural basis for people prophesying who should marry whom. Most of these couples end in divorce, blaming God for their foolishness.
       The scripture you quoted would be a scriptural basis for choosing the person you want to marry. Look through the Bible.  You don't find anywhere that people were prophesying about who people should marry. You should marry a person you love, are friends with and enjoy their company. You should marry someone who you can make a lifetime commitment to, love and really mean it.
       While I am a "spirit-filled" believer, I don't care much for what goes on in the majority of these types of churches. The apostle Paul teaches in Galatians that control is tantamount to witchcraft.  I personally liken control to murder. When we control others we are stealing their life. We are taking away their choices. Even God himself does not do that. We are always free to choose.
       In the New Testament, prophecy is to edify, exhort and comfort. The concept of prophesying over one another all the time and proclaiming the will of God is far removed from N.T. thought and principle.
      Find a church where the people are kind, where the love of God is emphasized. Start allowing your Bible to be what leads you. While I believe in listening to the voice of God, I use the Word of God as the standard of judging what I am hearing. For a while, just read and follow the teaching of Jesus.
      Another great practical thing to do is to read the book of Proverbs daily. Read and ponder on a chapter each day. Every month read it in a different translation. Proverbs is the book of practical application. You can learn so much about how to live in the wisdom of God as you read and meditate on those verses.

Q
       How do you recover from your past? Pastor, I am 45 years old. I have a call of God on my life yet I cannot seem to break the ties of my past. Because of my past, I have not entered ministry. It grieves me so. I was involved in a very loose sexual lifestyle (Heterosexual) and heavy into porno. I have tried to appropriate Grace and forgiveness, yet it seems like a carrot on a stick. I still have areas of habitual sin in my life and I am at the point I just can't stand it or the secret life I live on the inside. People who know
me would never know the battle I go through in my head 24-7. I live in constant anger inside. I am not mad a people; I am frustrated with me!!!!!!!!!!!
       I want to serve God, but the flesh has me in bondage. I realize I am responsible for me, yet I seem to be in an endless trap. I take two steps forward and fall back five. I am very involved in church, yet inside I am miserable. I have tried to discuss my past with several pastors and they all have BIG MOUTHS. They shut you off or tell you God can never use you again.  I am very gun shy and feel like I am all alone. I have heard all the In Christ realities, however, it does not seem like it’s for me. How do you obtain promises that seem so out of reach?
       Please do not think I am a nut. I am not. I just want to be able to stand before God and hear, “Well done you good and faithful servant.” It scares me to think I will never reach the goal of being a Pastor/Teacher. I do not want to look back and at 80 be full of sadness for not accomplishing the will of God in my life.
       How do you step into the area where you realize that God is not mad at you and that you can go on and reclaim the victory you once had in the Lord despite your mistakes. I yearn for the times when Gods presence was so tangible it felt like he was standing over my shoulder.
       It’s so hard to see things from a different perspective when you have a thought process that has been established since you were a child.

A
       Your situation is not that different from thousands of people the world over. It is just that not everyone is admitting it. I am going to make a few suggestions that may sound simplistic, but are as honest as I can be. When we meet we can discuss some of this. 
       First of all, the greatest resistance I encounter with people who are really struggling is they usually want a way to have complete victory, but hold on to their current paradigm of God. As Jesus said, Through our traditions (Religious and social culture) we make the word of God of no effect. The biggest obstacle to growth is the fear of change. Isn't that ironic?
       If you haven't already done so, I recommend that you read my book, “The Gospel of Peace.”  Until we accept that we are righteous and that God is at peace with us, we do not have the foundation that it takes to face our issues honestly. Faith righteousness is the very foundation of the Gospel, but it is something the church knows little about, when it comes to real life.
       Grace, God's capacity and ability, does not come because we get enough faith to get grace. That is just another version of the same old self-defeating faith message. More than any other issue, we should use our faith to believe that we are righteous in Jesus. Grace manifests when we believe in our heart that we are righteous. You don't have to pursue grace. It comes, whether a person knows the doctrine or not. It is simply the manifestation of believing the truth of who we are in Jesus. When you finish reading "The Gospel of Peace" I recommend that you read “Grace: The Power to Change.”
       At the beginning of nearly every one of Paul's writings he opened with "Grace and peace to you from the Father..." This was more than a kind greeting. He did this because grace and peace are the manifestation of faith-righteousness. They are the foundation of New Testament theology. It was this very issue that Paul had to address in every letter. The legalists were always perverting the message of faith-righteousness, grace and peace. Every epistle was written to bring the church back to these basics.
       After you read the Grace and Peace books, I recommend that you complete the Foundations of Faith course. You want to renew your mind so that everything you believe is founded on the New Covenant, not a mixture of the old and the new. The Bible promises that the renewing of the mind will bring about the transformation that we seek.
       If you try to stop and deal with all of your sin issues, you will stop moving in a healthy direction. Your focus will be on your sin instead of the promises of God. You will remain forever stuck in the never-ending syndrome of picking the fruit, but never destroying the root of your problem.
       You can come out of this. But as the word says, “You'll seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart.” I do not doubt you are seeking with all your heart. But like most that I talk to you are still seeking Him within the framework of a religious paradigm, the very paradigm that brought you to this place of frustration. If you keep looking in the same places you keep coming up with the same answers, i.e., the one's that did not work the first time.
       I hope my directness was not too difficult. But I felt you wanted real answers.

Q
       I have known Jesus about 10 years and during that time He has transformed my life - despite the influence of church and other Christians. I don't even recognize myself, sometimes I am so free. I constantly thank God for the things He has done and what He has saved me from because I can see from my family where I would have ended up without Him. I know that to other people I come across as an enthusiastic, jolly and disciplined person but the truth is I am not. If I had the choice right now, and I knew it was not going to affect anyone, I would go home. I am so tired, daily life is such an effort. I don't think it is that I am ministering to others in my own strength. It’s daily life that is such a drag, which seems really ungrateful. He organizes everything so well for me. I would never want to swap my security with Jesus for a feeling. I know I don't need feelings to walk with Him and no one could convince me He is not with me. I am just wondering how "normal" it is to have virtually zero enthusiasm and if it's not the best I can expect from my Christian walk, what can I do?
       I would like the input of someone that does not know me and will not speak from his or her perception of me. I am tired of hearing "but you are not like that." They are not the ones who have to drag themselves out of bed every morning - knowing that God is good is the only reason I do. If I did not believe I was here by His design I would not bother.

A
       As you have stated so well, no one knows what is in another person’s heart. Looking happy and carefree on the outside does not mean that is what we are experiencing in our heart.
       First, let's discuss a couple of important scriptural perspectives and then we'll see if we can find some solutions.
       In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus said, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." NKJV.
       From this we know that our daily life should not be a burden. If it is, we need to discover the root of the problem. Without talking to you personally, I can only suggest a few possibilities that I often see when people are continually unhappy.
       1. If our walk with God is unfulfilling then it could be any of the following:
          A. An attempt to serve God in our own ability. When this happens we grow bitter and frustrated because   the load seems so heavy. You may want to consider reading "Grace: The Power to Change."
         B. When there is the absence of a real daily, living relationship with God we tend to lack passion. You may want to listen to the tape set "Knowing and Feeling the Love of God." It sounds like you may lack value               for "feelings." We need to feel God's love for it to have any affect on our life. Otherwise it is just               information.

       2. When people are not living their dreams, there is no passion in life. Proverbs 29:18 says, "Where there is  no vision, the people perish." One translation says they cast off restraint.  Vision, dreams and hopes are a              tree of life especially as they are fulfilled. Vision gives purpose, purpose gives passion, and passion
gives motivation.
     There are reasons why people don't have vision and purpose.
          A. Sometimes they are waiting for God to tell them what to do.
               If God hasn't told you what to do, just pursue what you enjoy.
         B. Some people just don't have anything that stirs them. If you don't know what you would enjoy,
            there should be people who can help you discover the areas where you would be skilled.

       In one of my tape sets I spell out a prescription for a happy life that goes something like this:
         1.  Find something you like to do
         2.  Find a way to use that to serve people
         3.  Find a way to do it and create an income
         4.  Spend the rest of your life serving God and people in the area that you enjoy.

This prescription will make you wealthy and certainly it will make you happy.

       3. Learn how to have fun with friends. Too many Christians are just boring. Life is supposed to be fun.
          Walking with God is supposed to be about joy, fulfillment, happiness and relationships. Relationships
          are the most important thing in life. Without them life has little value or meaning.
       People who have been hurt fail to realize that they could develop their relationship skills and they would not repeat the pain of the past. Instead they just retreat into a lonely life of pain. I have several tape sets about relationships on our web page.
       I hope that one of these possibilities may strike a chord for you. As a person with a substance abuse/isolation background, I can honestly say that I am enjoying life more today than ever. The main reason for that is how I am investing in my dreams and my relationships.
To preview or to order the book "Grace: The Power to Change," click here.

Q
Where to Find God?
        I recently came out of a cult and have been struggling ever since. I am right now in a great church, but have trouble trusting people. My pastors are great shepherds and protect me, but I am still not happy. I have no calling, no dreams, no visions because it was all taken away from me.  Sometimes it's just hard to live.
        There was lots of spiritual abuse and control. I have read books, said repentance, pray at all times and it seems maybe all I know is abuse. I don't know anything else because at least I was ministering.
        Where do you find hope again? Where do you find genuine love? Where do you find your gifts again? Does God really care? I use to be a license and ordained minister, but all that had to be broken because of the impact it had on my life. I had to break a lot of soul ties and that has helped greatly. I have gotten rid of all the things in my life connected with the past and now everything seems empty. Like I am nothing. I remember when I was leaving the ministry (the cult) they said none of my prophesies would come true and I would end up being a bastard. But God told me to leave.

A
       My heart goes out to you.
        Romans 12 teaches us to renew our mind when we come to the Lord. Renewing your mind is about your values, your priorities, etc. More than anything else you want to renew your mind in the fact that you have a new identity in Jesus. You really have become a new person. As you discover who you are in Jesus, your path opens to you. You find new direction, new purpose and new joy. "The Prayer Organizer" is a great tool for helping you establish yourself in your new identity.
        One of the greatest dangers that you face coming out of a controlling past is the tendency to place yourself in another controlling environment. When we have been controlled, we tend to seek those who will control us. That control gives us a false sense of security. It falsely eliminates the need to develop our own heart and our own dreams. Two books that I highly recommend for you would be "Escape from Codependent Christianity" and "My Church My Family: How to Have a Healthy Relationship with the Church."
        Learn everything you can about who you are in Jesus. Spend time everyday investing in your heart. Let go of the past in your heart. It holds nothing for you. Even though you may be confused now, your confusion will leave when you release the past. Do not look back to it. Don't long for anything it gave you. You can have abundant life in Jesus. Fully commit yourself to knowing Him.
        Last of all, remember, Christianity is about relationship not ceremony, works etc. If you seek this any other way it will be a disappointment. This is an opportunity to know and experience God in your heart.

Q
       I've been researching homosexuality and the Bible and am not at peace yet with my findings.  I am a Bible college student of 3 years, a Christian of 14 years and confused about my sexuality after almost 10 years of prayer, counseling, etc.  I am female, 39, and believe I may still be a lesbian, which is what I was when I came to the Lord.  It appears that a certain minority of the churches worldwide embrace this.  What are your views?  And are you open to discussion?

A
       First, I would want you to know that regardless of your background or issues we would want to serve you and help you work through your issues.
       We view homosexuality no differently than we view other moral issues. We don't see it as any worse or any more complex. I have many friends who have worked through these issues and found complete freedom. If you would like help in this area we would be glad to help.
       I want you to know that regardless of your issues, God loves you. He gave you righteousness as a free gift when you received Jesus as your Lord. He can and will lead you through this to absolute victory and peace.
       Let me warn you however, that if you take a legalistic route to dealing with this issue it will end in frustration, condemnation and failure. You need to experience the unlimited grace of God and the uncompromising love of God. He can make you able to do what you cannot do in your own ability.
       I highly recommend that you immediately read "The Gospel of Peace" and "Grace: The Power to Change." They are available through our web site or by calling 256-536-9402 ext. 312.
       I would look forward to helping you any way I could.

Q
      From reading your web page, it seems like your ministries may be just what I've been looking for.  What do people wear to your services?  I would like to know what your views on homosexuality are.

A
        First of all, our services are very casual. We want people to be natural and comfortable.
       We view homosexuality as we would view any other kind of moral issue. We would love and accept the person and hope they would find freedom from their struggles.
       We have seen many people with homosexual backgrounds find love and acceptance and eventually freedom.
       We would never attack a homosexual any more than we would attack any other person that we believed needed help.
       We believe that everyone needs to be loved, unfortunately many of us find our love needs met in ways that bring a lot of other pain and destruction to our lives.
       I hope I have adequately answered the question.

Q
       Are Christians to always judge, check, criticize, and condemn each other? There is such a person who I work with that needs the word.

A
        Matthew 7:1 explicitly states that none of us should judge. Judgment belongs to the Lord. We have no right entering that place of judgment. It is one of the most destructive things we will ever do to ourselves and the world around us.
       You would enjoy my tape set entitled "How to Stop the Pain." It deals very specifically with this topic. I go into great detail about how to live above judgment, how to be free from the effects of the judgments of others and how judgment keeps pain alive in our life.
       On a practical side it is doubtful that this person would listen to you. The book of proverbs warns against trying to correct unteachable people. It usually causes us pain. Proverbs 29:9 "If a wise man has an argument with a fool, the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet." (RSV)
       Try to let your life be an example, you'll be far more effective and avoid a lot of conflict and pain.

Q
       I have a question that I think you can answer well. My brother and I were raised in a home where mom wore the pants and dad had to be pushed because he was afraid of taking risks.... as mom calls it. She accredits herself for them ever having anything. Because dad was not loving emotionally, even though he worked hard all his life to put food on the table and all, we suffered a many of pangs. I lived in sexual perversity for years and still struggle at times emotionally with misguided searches for love and affirmation. All my brothers and sister are totally codependent and have relational issues. I have a lot of your tapes on the unconditionally love issue and I eat them all day. But, my question is about my brother. He was married over 10 years ago and just came into the baptism of the Holy Spirit a few years back. I discovered that they do not pray together. His wife says that it causes an issue when she asks.
       My question is this: Is this just a self-issue that rises up in him because he fears being vulnerable to her? Does he resist this because of our mom's dominance in our relationship? I can't imagine having a successful marriage without praying together. What do you see?

A
      There could be a lot of reasons they do not pray together. However, the main question is not if they pray together, the main thing is do they pray?
       My wife and I have gone through times when we prayed together a lot and times when don't pray together very much. It all seems to work out all right. Idealism would say that they have to be praying together, but idealism never really helps anyone.
       Some couples do better praying individually. If they follow God they will grow into the type of prayer life they need. Just be patient, walk in love and be an example.

Q
  I want to come to school, but I am struggling with important issues. What should I do?
       With respect to coming out to the Impact Campus, would you help me address a concern I am having?
       Your comment to me was that 75% of what students receive is imparted as they are actually attending classes on campus.
       My situation has been that as a result of moving frequently which has resulted in many changes and short stints in my employment history, my resume looks like Swiss cheese!
       This year particularly, has been financially tight. I want to accomplish a few things: attend school @ Impact with the ability to pay tuition as well as living expenses on a timely basis. How can I complete my training at Impact and maintain integrity in my work standard/conduct/pursuits?
       In this regard how viable is the option for me to attend via correspondence and complete the training at IISOM? (Of course this is my ultimate decision)
       I am not trying to make excuses I am wanting to take wise, educated steps that lead to profit in light of my past struggles and many job changes. Any wisdom will be most appreciated.

A
Dear Friend,
       It’s good to hear from you. I will try to answer your questions as fairly and honestly as I can. But the things I share with you, you have to have the heart for or it will be just another short-term fix for a long-term problem.
       Usually, when people make a lot of moves, they are not focused, or they don't know how to get to where they are going. Too often, however, they are making decisions based on short-term needs. Somewhere in life we have to say, "This is where I am going. This is my dream. What will it take for me to get there? Do I want this bad enough to make the kinds of sacrifices and decisions it will take?" Just answer those questions honestly and you'll know where you are and what to do.
       In this generation we have lost the value of personal investment and mentoring. We gather information and based on convenience and comfort we make our decisions. It is often the very convenience of those decisions that prevent us from ever reaching our dream.
       I do not know where you should be or where you should go, but it is obvious from what you have shared that the principles upon which you have made decisions up to this point have not worked the way you thought they would.
       Life has always been pretty easy for me simply because I know where I want to go and I always count the cost and once I make a decision, I see it through to the end. That did not come easily or naturally. It was a discipline that I developed into a character trait after making a lot of bad decisions.
       I will support you no matter how you choose to walk this out.

Continued answer to the previous letter...
       Much of the stress in people’s lives is simply the result of inner turmoil because they are not living their dreams. Everyday is a 24hour attempt to internally justify why we are not going for it!
       Studies show that elderly people who are close to death have few regrets about the things they did wrong. The thing they regret most is not living a life of purpose, failing to pursue their dreams. I believe we live with those regrets everyday. It is only when we are older and cannot fill our life with substitutes that we allow these thoughts to emerge.
       One of the reasons for over-spending, over-indulgence and many addictions is simply the attempt to satisfy the longing of our soul. When our life is filled with purpose we have no addictive cravings drawing us to destruction, we are satisfied.
       Most people who have a call will not fulfill it. They will allow someone to talk them out of it. They will put it off for a more convenient time that never comes, or they are just afraid to try.
       Take the steps you can take today. One of the best steps is to move here to Huntsville and find a job. Just being in this church and this environment is an educational process. At least you can get involved in some of the ministry opportunities. Then if you must, take one class at a time. But get started!
       It is rare that everything works out before we begin to take steps. The ten lepers were healed as they went. The wine became water as they acted on the directions they had. Just begin moving in the direction that you want to go. As the saying goes, "It’s a cinch by the inch, but it’s hard by the yard."
       Religion would have you believe you cannot fulfill your call. Jesus wants you to know you can do all things. Religion wants to control you; Jesus wants to set you free. Religion says you’ve got to know the perfect will of God before you act. Jesus said what things soever you desire.
       If you’re stuck, you may want to listen the four tape series entitled "Jesus or Religion: Make a Choice."

Q
          I have heard Dr. Richards speak about how people can get off the train any time and get back on where they got off. This prompted the question: What if you are kicked off the train? - I will explain.
          I attend a Church where I was employed as the secretary.  After working there for about 18 months the head Pastor and his wife went on a holiday.  During their absence the second Pastor in charge handed me back a holiday roster that didn't have my name on it.  I had handed in the roster, showing that I was available to work through the holidays, including January. He had often been rude to me and I found him very unapproachable, so I thought that I would talk to the head Pastor when he got back. But the day of their return to the office was a staff Christmas breakup party, at which point I was handed a bunch of flowers and goodbye card in front of everyone there.
          A couple of weeks later I rang the head pastors to ask, "why I was dismissed?" They informed me they didn't know I was dismissed and had been informed I had resigned. They met with me and I told them the story, and they said we would have another meeting with them, the second pastor and myself. However, it has been 12 months and I have never heard a thing about it. The second pastor has never said a word and NOW talks very sweetly to me every time he sees me. I am still attending the Church at the moment and have been there for 5 years. As you can see I am still hurting from this and I am wondering if there is any better way I can handle the situation, considering I still attend the Church. I have never mentioned it to them since, and have displayed a good attitude (on the outside), but spent many times in tears about, even while listening to Dr Jim, when he was here.

A
            Your situation does sound quite stressful. It has a great opportunity for offense. Please heed the advice of Jesus in Luke 17. You take heed when people offend you. In other words, you need to be careful, even if they are in the wrong.
           It is obvious this has been mishandled. It is obvious that there are some communication issues on your part and the church's part. Neither of you should have let this go so long. Denial or avoidance is not the solution.
          Regardless of what you assume their fault to be, don't allow that to justify any unkind or ungodly action. Walk in love and kindness no matter what anyone else does.
          I would recommend a very kind and patient phone call with the Senior Pastor reminding him that you were assured a time of communication. Do not judge, attack or express anger. Simply explain how this is affecting you and request to have it resolved in a responsible manner.
          Now there are some questions you have to ask yourself. Are you the kind of person that can hear bad news and handle it well? In other words, if for some reason they agreed that you should not be on staff, will you accept that they had that right?
          They did not have the right to keep you in the dark. But if you have a pattern of being difficult to discuss things with, they may have wanted to avoid a conflict.
          Whatever they do, turn it into a learning experience for you. If you need to develop some new or better skills, then do it. If you failed in some area, accept it. Don't beat yourself up just learn from it. If you made a mistake, learn how to avoid it in the future.
          Do not, however, give up on yourself or your dreams just because this did not work out the way you desired. There have been people I wanted to work with that it just didn't work out. Walk in love and regardless of what they do, you'll come out a winner.  No one holds your destiny but you and God.
          I hope this helps.